Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
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It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
this could fix me
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.