Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
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Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.