Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl