@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

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@AllanForsyth

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.

But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.

@StoneAgeRadio13

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

@Smiilze

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@myles_morrison

The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.