@robdelaney: Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We're all crying. It's awesome.
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@SooInnocentDad: Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
@notfaizzy: ...her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April's fool.
@Marlebean: Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he'll stop talking to me.
@_NinJar: I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib