1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
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It was the busta rhymes, it was the worsta rhymes
My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.
But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
M: It’s a boat!
Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats
The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.