Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family