Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
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choose your gary
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.