Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
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ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing