@sixfootcandy

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

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@SortaBad

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@qikipedia

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic

@drinksmcgee

Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.

@TheTweetOfGod

Inside everybody there’s a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.