@SortaBad

Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.

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@ok_girlfriend

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

@kentgrossarth

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

@TheTweetOfGod

I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits.

@jellybnbonanza

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

@PeaceInTruth1

Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@ojedge

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]