Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
You Might Also Like
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
hackers play passwordle
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick