@SortaBad

Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.

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@djdarrellripley

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

@skin_and_i

“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.

@lincnotfound

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

@mc_funbags

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

@daemonic3

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@Writethatdown12

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.