Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
this is the greatest thing ever
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
The best shot in the history of golf
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.