My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.