@rickolantern

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

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@ibid78

[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116
[me] *slips her $100* let’s make it 112
[her] now it’s 120

@NicCageMatch

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

@NikatNiteNite

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

@brianbowman73

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

@Cheeseboy22

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

@towelforacape

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.