Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
You Might Also Like
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken