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@AimeeHelene1

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

@AristotlesNZ

We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.

@briancthayer

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

@iGreenMonk

My April Fools day joke blew up in my face.

I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

@aotakeo

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

@MomofTeen

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

@bossy_bootz

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

@KyleMcDowell86

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”