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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*


We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.


Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?



My April Fools day joke blew up in my face.

I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.


I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations


Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.


How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years


*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*