Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I’m about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.

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“Hello, Time Warner? I need to speak with someone about setting up local Gotham cable in a secret prison. Yes, I’ll hold.” – Bane


[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new


I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.


“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”


When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.


Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%


Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.


I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.