[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am