Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.