@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

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@joshgondelman

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

@RunOldMan

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

@Ilikerockme

Why are bagels so much hotter when toasted than toast?

Try to butter a piece of toast? Fine.

Try to butter a bagel and my fingerprints get burned off like a Cold War spy

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@TheAlexNevil

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

@louise_vuitton

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address