Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

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I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents


Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks


i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on


Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”


Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.


“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts


FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good


stewardess: “sir you aren’t allowed to smoke that during the flight”
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] “this is such bullshit”