Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?