Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
This is my emotional support knife.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”