Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.


“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.


I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”


Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news


And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*


Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting


Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”


Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature


girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.


dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time