@Cheeseboy22

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

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@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

@Cpin42

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

@mops16_

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

@abbycohenwl

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

@iamspacegirl

And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*

@DaddyBeerGuy

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@LlamaInaTux

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

@AbleLikes

dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time