As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.