I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You Might Also Like
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.