Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May