Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist


Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?


Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.


i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”


When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping


Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.


“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”