Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I’m calling the cops.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes