@CArmanthegirl

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

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@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

@Livsey1

If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”

@MomOfTeen

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

@coalslag

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

@MarfSalvador

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

@GhantaGuy

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

@darksideang

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

@LostFelicia

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

@canadian_makin

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.