Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

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When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.


If Private Ryan was Black…it would be called..”Sorry for your loss Mrs.Ryan.”


If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.


Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…


Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that


It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.


My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with


The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.


Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels


A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.