It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married