Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.