just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE