just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Hmmmmm
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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