Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*