@ChaseMit: Just found out Fox News's website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.
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@Dildo_Hitler: Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as "not Bruce Willis" and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
@faisaladam_: If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad. Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
@Leemanish: Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
@MarcusOreally: Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy. Unless you're on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.