My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.