Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.
Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
You Might Also Like
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me: I don’t like flowers
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family