@Coops_Bradley: Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
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@FrogAvalanche: *live news report - You survived a fall of thousands of feet... - Yes. - Parachute failed? - Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
@Home_Halfway: ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us ~~The crew of the Apollo-G
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card ME: Wait... how do you know it wasn't me BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try ME: Dear god
@WonderMonkey78: Atheists don't believe in God or the "i before e except after c" rule of spelling.