@Coops_Bradley: Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
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@DanMentos: "If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son." -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.
@pauleggleston: Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob* Wife: What are these? Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.
@rons_post: This girl sitting next to me gave herself an insulin shot in class today and the girl next to her said “can you like not do that right now” she replied with “ummm no Rebecca i’d like to live “
@tweetmommybop: We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.