@Coops_Bradley

Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

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@ArfMeasures

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

@AkashThakan

Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

@mack44_d

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

@PJTLynch

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

@RichardWiseman

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

@rebrafsim

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family