Just found out I’m pregnant. At least that’s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

You Might Also Like


[being chased through the woods by a murderer]

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine


Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.


[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances


The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.


Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”


[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants



This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper


[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family