BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Called it
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
sin harder.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.