@ZackBornstein

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

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@kadyngriffiths

[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]

Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha

Webster: Is that why-

Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that

@nevernicethings

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

@IamEnidColeslaw

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

@TheHyyyype

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

@JimMFelton

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

@Thedudish

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

@torrami

An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.