@KatieBurnett
Your secret is safeish with me
@ZackBornstein
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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@KatieBurnett
@kadyngriffiths
[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]
Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha
Webster: Is that why-
Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that
@PimpBillClinton
Siri, does this look infected?
@nevernicethings
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
@IamEnidColeslaw
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
@TheHyyyype
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
@JimMFelton
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
@ItsSamG
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
@Thedudish
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
@torrami
An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.