Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources