Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.

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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.


Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.


Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.


So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.