Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.

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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.


M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?


Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?


Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS


“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp


Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*


Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.



Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..

Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*