Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Just found out my daughter’s super power is repeating what I’ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty
Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.