Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Peace was never an option
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?