Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The news in a nutshell.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
brian had himself a morning…
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM