Just found out my wife’s been mad at me for three days and I hadn’t noticed. She forgave me and I had to act like I was grateful and not bewildered

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I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.


POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?


[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air


CEO: really strong air


Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.


[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.


Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.


[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that


Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.