Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

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Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.


OMG! My boss has choked on his sandwich and stopped breathing!! Should I call an ambulance?

Its been 16hrs.. I didn’t wanna make a fuss.


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.


No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”


Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender.
Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.


The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.


Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.


I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.