WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
What number SPF blocks people?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Hey i am sexy to you now
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”