@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

@AngryRaccoon2

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@fillthevacuum

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

@copymama

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

@donni

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

@daemonic3

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud