nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU
me: let’s do this
boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it
me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips
Employees must applaud the planets.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If you see me online 30mins after I said I was going to bed, mind ya business.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.