@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

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@MNateShyamalan

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

@andlikelaura

boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU

me: finally

boogeyman: what

me: let’s do this

boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it

me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips

boogeyman: s..sorry

@HatfieldAnne

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

@Staggfilms

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

@kyle_thatisall

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

@McClaneJohn2

If you see me online 30mins after I said I was going to bed, mind ya business.

@LostFelicia

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.