The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I gave up carbs four minutes ago and seven people are dead.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud