Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
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the short answer to this question
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?