Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.