Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*