Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
This line from Airplane.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I needed a laugh this morning.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.