5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[answers my phone]
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
Him: I really like your car
H: What is it?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.