Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
omg leave her alone
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.