@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

@markydoodoo

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

@KeetPotato

[answers my phone]
“hello?”
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@InternetHippo

[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

@junejuly12

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

@Amburglar_

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.