Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Yes, but it was never about money

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta