Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating
You Might Also Like
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
5YO: did you go to camp as a kid?
GRANDMA: we were very lucky, we escaped France thru Great Britain
ME: she didn’t go to camp
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?
Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!