Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I have many caverns
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?