@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

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@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@bobvulfov

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

@junejuly12

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

@upsidedowntrash

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

@WildeThingy

It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.

Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.

@Introvert_Dad

Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@huntigula

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet