Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.