pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit