@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

@woodmuffin

Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??

@Cpin42

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

@donttouchjames

[about to have sex]

her: can we listen to something other than m-

me: monster mash stays on

@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

@Birdhumms

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

@squirrel74wkgn

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

@mrtiredeyes

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

@lloydrang

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please