Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
This is not me but this is me
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler