@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

- @LoveNLunchmeat

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@BuckyIsotope

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

@TweetPotato314

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

@karanbirtinna

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

@faizziy

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

@moose_chocolate

If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.

@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?