@sirensaysnope
Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked
@KeetPotato
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
You Might Also Like
@sirensaysnope
@SvnSxty
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
@ArfMeasures
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
@pixelatedboat
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
@HenpeckedHal
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
@AndyAsAdjective
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
@DestryBrod
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
@david8hughes
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
@KingJosiah54
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
@AnkCoupleTO
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*