@UncleDuke1969 “I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
@KeetPotato “just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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@UncleDuke1969 
@bartandsoul My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
@treydayway Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
@TheTweetOfGod The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
@koalaslament DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
@withanewname [flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
@TheMichaelRock HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.
Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.
HR: it’s mandatory.
Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.
@MelvinofYork My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
@AbbieEvansXO Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
@sarahclazarus some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil