@KeetPotato

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

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@UncleDuke1969

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

@bartandsoul

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

@withanewname

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@sarahclazarus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil