“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
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I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
#Caturday
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”